All of me…
Why not take all of me?
Are we willing to offer all of ourselves to anyone really? I know there are parts of me that I don’t want anyone to know about. There are parts of me that I’m not exactly proud of, some things I’ve done and I’d be embarrassed about it if the NY Times found out about them.
But God knows about those things already.
Yikes! I don’t want God to know those things! I don’t want God to see the dirty parts of who I am!
Tonight’s gospel centers on the fact that Jesus washes the feet of His disciples, which at the time is no easy task. The disciples’ feet are open to the elements with their sandals picking up all kinds of dirt and animal waste in the open marketplace where livestock was freely traded.
And so washing feet was indeed vile. And it is no wonder that Peter doesn’t want the master to touch the filthiest part of who he is.
However, it’s these feet that Jesus needs to touch and be at ease with because these same feet will run away this night and be unable to stand at the foot of the cross. These feet will be locked in an upper room immobile until that greeting of “peace be with you” breaks open the door and their courage.
Can we wash feet? Can we be at ease with those who do dirty and vile things? Can we forgive those who we consider ugly and nasty? This week those responsible for the abuse of children in our church are in the forefront of my mind and I would have a really hard time forgiving someone who did that kind of injustice to me or to someone I know. I have all I can do to not throw a few stones at those who did these reprehensible things.
A priest who once served in my parents’ parish is now a well-known abuser. He was ordained despite a past in which he abused little boys. I remember liking serving mass with him. He was friendly and sociable and he always had time for me. In hindsight I remember now that after a couple of glasses of wine, he would indeed briefly nuzzle his head on my shoulder. My mother told me years later that he asked her if he could take me to Rome on a trip once but that she refused to let me go. My mom just remembers that her mother’s intuition told her that this was someone that she shouldn’t trust.
This was a man I trusted and the anger I felt towards priest-pedophiles reached an all time high for me when I found out his diabolical plans and nothing abusive had happened to me at all! The fact that it could’ve was more than enough to make me upset and simply mad.
Today that anger stops. I want to wash feet instead. The feet of filthy men and women who nobody will dare to touch. Because Jesus offers them the basin just as readily as he offers it to me.
Justice needs to happen for those who abused children and I hope that these people stay in prison for a long time. But I also hope that we can heal from all of this and healing can only happen by being free from our anger and by offering forgiveness. We care an awful lot about what happens to these men and women who couldn’t care for themselves or for the welfare of children.
But if God can forgive those who killed him, how can we not forgive?
Maybe it’s still too early and things are still too raw. I’m sure if I were abused I feel far more hatred and anger than I do. Maybe God has to work on us for a lot longer before we are ready to let go of our feelings of betrayal.
Perhaps this is also so because we can’t imagine God touching those filthy and dark parts of ourselves. And for those of us who haven’t abused children it’s hard for us to imagine being forgiven for lesser sins that keep us feeling guilty and hopeless, convinced that God’s gonna get us for what we’ve done.
But the truth is that we reject God with that notion. We place our own limits on God’s forgiveness and perhaps would even be upset if we found evil people exonerated by God’s mercy.
But God offers that forgiveness anyway. And as my wife, who knows most of my faults all too well, washes my feet tonight, I recall that I don’t always deserve the love she offers me either. I can be a louse sometimes. And the truth is that we have to let God be God and wash the filthy parts of the world alongside those tiny crevices that don’t often seem all that dirty as well.
Not only the child molesters, Lord…but our minds and hearts and attitudes that keep us from forgiving them as well.